I’ve been awake since 1 a.m. So altogether, I’ve only had one and a half hour’s sleep. Insomnia is leads to sleep deprivation which leads to torture.

But something’s different today, and yesterday was slightly different from the day before. I think I’m… erm… changing.

I woke up, and after a series of unfortunate events, I was brought to my knees. God called at 2:30am. Didn’t want me to say anything, just wanted me to sit at His feet. I did. I don’t usually respond that fast to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

And, it was strange, awkward. It was lovely. It was painful too.

God has worn my mind, emotions and physical strength to its core. I have reduced my contact with people in order not to hurt anyone. When you starve a tiger, you keep it in a cage. But something I said today, about 15minutes ago, caught me by surprise. I said:

“Lord I can’t sleep la. But I want to thank you for the few hours of sleep you gave. I’m worn, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like dancing.”

Today is different, the Lord asked me if I could keep awake for an hour to pray. I smiled, and said yes. And I did. More than an hour. I did the same yesterday. And for quite a few days now actually. But everyone of those days, ended with me on the bed, wondering if God will ever grant me rest. Yet I got through today, with a heart of thanksgiving.

The Lord has revealed to me that my suffering will be a while more. I personally feel that it’ll be for at least another year. But in the face of torment and suffering, all I wanted to do was sing:

“Alle-lu-ia, Alle-lu-ia
For our Lord God Almighty Reigns
Alle-lu-ia
Holy, Holy
Are You Lord God Almighty
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Amen”

p.s. Today God is in the process of fulfilling the Longkang revelation given to me six months before He began the work. I cannot not even begin to comprehend.

While I was bathing today, I was just contemplating what happened yesterday, last few weeks, last two years, my whole life. Here’s a sort dialogue with God that took place then:

*Contemplating…. *

What is going on? Hmm…

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Really? Then where are my fruits now? Everything is so sad now…

“Your fruits: clean from drugs, not a drunk, not smoking and still a virgin.”

Oh, ya. Erm, never thought of it that way. Since I’m in sorrow, am I sowing now? When will I reap in joy?

“You shall do as a farmer does: wait patiently for the harvest.”

*all knowledge about farming processes run through my mind*

And there’s always a chance that the crop will fail, how do I prevent that…

“Your crop fails because you only sow and reap. What is in between?”

huh? erm.. ok.. I sow, I wait… then I reap.

“What do you do when you wait?”

I prepare to reap.

“Exactly.”

OH!

It was then that I realised, that my crops fail because after sowing, I only prepare to reap. I forget that in between, I have to tend to the crop. In a culture where everything is instant, I have forgotten that “waiting for harvest”… isn’t literally waiting for harvest.

And then the epiphany came, : “While I was just waiting and preparing for the harvest, I did not water the crop or protect it from pests and wild beasts.”

I’ve known about this problem for a while already. I’ve often ignored it, and dismissed it. Cause sowing and harvesting is easy, tending to the crop is difficult. So in my very Christian-ish way, I outsourced the work to God by praying (oh how often we pray for the wrong things!). That’s why I have nothing much to show for, after so many years. The only fruits I have are those that God graciously helped me tend and maintain. Strange how we Christians often give God our work, and try to help Him with His.

Now I understand some of the things God has been saying to me in recent weeks. I’ve noticed the trend, but today I got my confirmation in this revelation. This is the time between sowing and harvest. It’s called waiting. Waiting through tending.

Excuse me, some crows and squirrels are trying to steal my seeds. I’ma gonna get my water gun.

p.s. conversation has been paraphrased for your understanding. The gist of it is there.

Today. STUPANDA. Is launched.

XD

The Doctor in Heaven is asking someone to be a patient patient. He has requested that someone to go to the Waiting Room.

That someone is me.

Did I mention that that Doctor in Heaven is also a heart surgeon?

It’s going to be awhile Operation Room.

Apparently, I have a broken heart, and a screaming liver.

“Hati-ku seru…”

haha… that Doctor in Heaven can be quite funny.

This few days I’ve been taking time off to wait upon God. It’s the fifth day into a six day journey where I lay in wait of an answer. The strange thing is,  after He broke His silence two days ago, my mind is even more confused to the point of saturation, yet my spirit has been more at peace this few days than for the past few years.

One of the issues that popped up frequently was the problem of faith. I haven’t been able to put it in words until just now. This is about: risk management and risk taking.

Risk management and risk taking are two very different things. But each would be meaningless without the other. The purpose of risk management is to prevent reckless risk taking, whilst the purpose of risk taking is to tap the potential of a decision.

A few things to consider. The axiom that risk is inevitable and manageable; and the fact that more risk does not mean more gain and vice versa.  However, most people, including myself (chronic example), often get it wrong.

Between risk management and risk taking, there is always an inclination to do risk management more. This is because risk management involves NO RISK at all. There is only a risk if a decision is made. So most people get as far as planning, but never actually trying.

This is the problem that a lot people face especially in the area of faith. Because we usually get as far as understanding the problem, knowing what text-book (or biblical) solutions are available, and applying it without faith. Of course we say things like, “…so by faith I decided to…”. But is it by faith? It is by the process of reason and logic that we eliminate possibilities and whatever remains, however impossible it may seem, must be true (woohoo! Startrek quote!).

So what are you going to do with that bit of information? Consider this verse:

“In all your ways acknowledge Him,…”
~Proverbs 3:6a

I use to think that this is about giving credit to God and involving Him in my decisions. But God revealed to me the essence of it, by the way He challenged me,

“Do you believe Me, Cheng Yee? Would you acknowledge Me for the Lord that I am and everything I claim to be?”

It’s about faith. Risk management is what you do to make sure that what you hear is truly of God. While risk taking, is acting on that belief. And faith sits right in the middle, as an optional part of the process. A simple way of saying this is, we can make a plan with our mind and carry out the plan with our body, and still leave out the heart. It’s like saying “I love you”; you can say it, it’ll still be true and it’ll still work. But it would have been better if you said it from your heart.

Do the math, solve the problem, then put aside the logic, pour in your heart and take the risk.

p.s. this post is not a thorough discourse or is it a license for you to be an idiot. Apply with care.

It was a quaint little day that required nothing more than a slight shower forecast in the afternoon to make it interesting. Since days like that can be quite boring, we’ll skip to the day after.

“Does it ever bother you Pit, that the weather forecast yesterday was off?” asked Bob.

“Yes, I do believe I was wrong to assume so,” replied Pit.

“That’s true. However, this is the first time Pupoojomaro was off,” noted Bob.

Pit’s face suddenly lit up. Bob saw a blind deer at the window and immediately knew what Pit was going to say.

“And I have no eye deer why…,” said Pit much to Bob’s suspicion.

“Are we still talking about the weather?” Bob asked.

“I don’t know,” replied Pit, “Whether it’s the weather or whether it’s leather we should make sure it lathers.”

With a frown and a squint, Bob exclaimed, “We’re not on the same page are we?”

“I’m on page thirty eight,” Pit said, “But perhaps we’re just not reading the same book at all. Grab your hat Bob! Let’s go!”

The epiphany that Pit received was in fact, connected to the issue Bob brought up. And it was also connected with the fact that the day before yesterday, Pit had over heard Pupoojomaro telling Mr. Grocer that he was having quite a bad flu.

Bob and Pit arrived at Pupoojomaro’s house. And quietly, with the stealth of an elephant, and the elegance of a panda, Pit broke in the house by throwing Bob at the window.

Pupoojomaro was sitting in the living room and saw the whole commotion with his own eyes. Jumped on his feet, and exclaimed, “What are you trying to do Pit…?”

Before Pupoojomaro could finish his sentence, Pit charged at him with a pillow and beat the living room daylights out of him.

“Bob! This is the reason why Pupoojomaro’s forecast was off,” shouted Pit, while bashing Pupoojomaro’s head with the pillow, “it’s a job hazard inherent in weather forecasters.”

Bob, sprawled on the floor still dazed from crashing Windows, managed to murmur, “What happened? Everything turned blue…”

Pit who was almost out of breath, replied, “Bob! When a person has too much weather in his head, his judgement is clouded. That’s why, there was no rain yesterday! It’s all in Pupoojomaro’s head! The clouds surrounded his judgement, and is now pouring inside his head! It isn’t the flu, his nose is running like a tap because it’s flooding in his head!”

*pop*

Out of Pupoojomaro’s left ear, the cloud left him. And Pit finally stopped hitting Pupoojomaro. Pit’s method of curing him was a draining process, not just for Pupoojomaro.

Pit helped Pupoojomaro to his bed and poured him a warm glass of water. With a weak voice, Pupoojomaro whispered a thank you to Pit. And soon Pit was on his way back home. Satisfied that he saved a friend from drowning in his thoughts. However, Pit couldn’t help feeling that he forgot something.

“Well, as long as we helped someone today,” said Pit, reassuring himself, “right Bob? Bob? ……BOB!!”

I think sound is a really great gift of God. Music on the hand, is a beautiful gift from God.

As a concept, music is a mix of sound and silence in perfect harmony (pun intended). It opens up another dimension and with the right sound at the right moment allows a person to experience multiple angles of his thoughts, all in a very short moment. Perhaps even, all at once.

We draw the length with words, we draw the width with pictures, but we draw depth with sound. Some people may have heard me say this before,

“Perhaps the only thing missing in life, is a good sound track.”
~ Cheng Yee

Of my experiences, I have heard one sound track that I really love. It is the piece called The Peace Of God. If you are ever fortunate enough to meet actual man or woman who are at peace with themselves. Who are alright with life, happy to be alive, sad that things aren’t as good as they should be, but at peace knowing that life is life, and they have the privilege to live it. Spend time with them, and listen. Even if they are not saying anything, the sound of their presence can be heard.

I want to hear that song again, that music. To be surrounded by and reverberating with it. Sound.

I’ve been doing some research into my personality. 4 Temperament wise I’m the ever paradoxical Sanguine-Melancholy (50/50). And Myers Briggs tests confirm an INTJ that’s in denial.

I must clarify that whenever I say I’m in pain. It’s never because of one issue. It’s a complex convolution of many issues into one. My personality dictates that I create a logic structure in which I can make the best decisions. Therefore, in one decision I would be calling up information from a vast variety of fields to work metaphorically or analogically with the issue(s).

Strange enough, the worst part of the pain, is how I deal with the pain. Because I’m not the kind that makes a decision based on weak arguments. So I do the full monty and more. There are 5 ways to argue if a decision is right or wrong:

1. Say it’s right
2. Say it’s wrong
3. Say it’s a grey area and that it’s neither right or wrong
4. Say it’s both right and wrong at the same time, though in different aspects
5. Say the problem is irrelevant, and that the real problem is something else

As we know in life, everything happens at the same time and nothing can be ever correctly categorized. The counsel which I seek for advice last week was quite amused at how I process information and self-check and balance.

So now we arrive here, in my search for a solution to a problem. The most recent epiphany, suggests that the problem is the solution. Therefore if I try to solve it, it becomes a problem, because I’m applying the solution (which also is the problem).

To put it in simple terms, this is similar to a secret. You will never hear an actual secret. Because the moment someone tells you the secret, it is no longer a secret. It is still a secret to others, but to you, it’s not. Because you already know.

Which brings us to this: How do we solve a problem when we cannot apply a solution? How do we solve a problem when the problem is the solution?

I’ve got a feeling there’s a cheat somewhere. I think the answer is in WHO solves the problem, not WHAT METHOD is used to solve the problem. The only WHO that I know that has that much control in the world to change me, is God.

I’ll stop here. Just to let you know, to me, saying that God is my only hope, may sound very easy to say, but in reality, I’m tearing myself apart just to accept that, and I admit I’m not even half way there that I wan’t to accept God as my only hope. But I have to. Perhaps this is the reason.

p.s. to you-know-who-you-are: told you there was a reason! XP … haha…

Was talking to someone the other day about how some people have grown numb to real love and now withdraw from reality. Now that I think of it, I’m no better than those people, the difference being that by God’s wondrous grace, He helped me make good decisions. I don’t deserve any of what I reap now.

Anyway, I’ve realised that God loves to write love letters to people. He puts them in the most obvious of places. But few, if any, read them. In fact, some of these love letters are treated like a wallpaper or floor tiles. But today I’d like to show you one of God’s love letters. I’ve used a highlighter to help you spot it.

Where is the love?

It’s everywhere. XD

Certain parts of my life have been stagnant. Perhaps all of my life has been stagnant for the past two three years. The movement I perceived could have just been waves created by time. The only way to prevent water from becoming stagnant, is to pour new water in, and let it cycle and replace the old – likewise for life.

I remember a prayer I prayed last week. It was an all-access prayer that warranted every conceivable method available for God to use on me. I was desperate to move on, grow, un-stagnate. The most horrifying part of the prayer was when I said,:

“Lord, even if it means pain. So be it.”

And ever since Friday night, God has been poking and digging me. It’s painful. Yesterday night was the first night I’ve lost sleep in that particular way since last year. Heavy breathing, over-heating body, a brain set on simulating every possibility in order to find hope and a worn spirit working against the flesh to calm the body.

This is truly ridiculous. But waking up today, I told God,

“Lord, I have prayed. I hope for the best. If things take a turn, You are God. If things don’t take a turn, You are no less of a God to me. “

This sort of prayer strikes fear into me. Because it is one that makes me totally vulnerable. Then I sang,

“You dance over me,
while I am unaware,
You sing all around,
but I, never hear a sound.”

If I’m not mistaken, this is the first revelation in a long time that God has given to me personally about my spiritual life. It doesn’t remove the pain, and I’m still unaware, not hearing and numb. But at least I know, that He’s dancing. He’s singing. My living God, is still alive.