Pain is like bad odour. There are three ways you can deal with it.

First way is to spray air freshener. It masks the smell but gets you high on something else.

Second way is to think of it as a pleasurable sensation. Same way some people can smell stinking bean curd and still get hungry.

Third way is to take stock of the problem and locate its root.

Usually I would suggest the third solution, until I hesitate. Because the reason why I smell something bad, is because I smell bad. I am the problem.

(those of you who don’t want to ruin a good day, I recommend watching a movie with popcorn as an alternative to finishing this post… Rambo’s gonna ramble.)

I hate to admit this, but I’ve not felt love for quite a while now. Every form of love is squandered by a history that haunts me. Today that history came to haunt me. With new information. Some say get over it. I confidently reply I’ve done everything there is to do. The numbness towards love I have now is a testament to the fact that I’ve killed my heart many times over.

Few people know the extent of my pain. I seldom share its intensity. Because I don’t see the point of sharing when it brings no one any gain, and doesn’t help me get better. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to do. The ball isn’t in my court. It’s in God’s. I wish I could find some meaning or idea or concept to rationalise it. I wish I could indulge in ignorance, but I betray every fiber of myself when I do.

People seldom realise that some of my behavior may be a mask. People rarely ask why. More importantly people don’t know how to ask the right questions.

I believe that God provided the show House M.D. this season to mitigate my pain. Because from the very first episode I watched, I could feel his pain. Unlike my life, House’s will have a conclusion at the end of the episode. Unlike me, he has the freedom to saturate his life with distractions. Because truly, I only alive for the reason that God wants me to be alive, because it is illogical to live a life of pain. House has closure every 45 minutes. I’ve been in pain for nine years. So it helps. But it only helps so much.

I am in pain. And I know people are going to tell me to suck it up. Or tell me that everyone goes through it. There is no use in sucking it up when it just means I live in denial. I should confront it and deal with it, which I have. And it is irrelevant for me to know if someone is in pain. Because my pain won’t feel bad that it’s effecting so many people and decide to leave me alone.

And this post won’t change any thing. I would love to end this post with something hopeful that would comfort you and help you to feel more confident that I’m just emo-ing. But I can’t. And I won’t. It would be lovely to hope that Love will bring me through this. But now, I only hope that hope is still possible.

I want to have the right to mess up my life because I want to. But I gave up that right to God long time ago. Because I love God. Now I can’t feel whether my love for Him is still present in my heart. But the fact that I’m living and the choices I make now, prove to me, that I am still loving Him. Even though I don’t feel it.

I’ve lowered my expectations of what God can do in response to my prayer. All I want is to be able to cry it over and forget. I haven’t cried for a while now. It makes no sense to cry. I haven’t been able to forget. Because there’s no “delete” button in my brain.

“Pain, your friend Insomnia is here. Remember to keep it down.”

I took one them personality tests. And the results are quite accurate. Was hoping for new info about myself. Nothing much offered. Except the assurance that despite my current situation which favour right brain processes more, my left brain is still pretty much intact. I really like my left brain. Cause I spent most of my life training that side. Haha… here’s the result:

I must say that this particular description of me was quite.. erm.. intriguing:

“To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of “definiteness”, of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise — and INTJs can have several — they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how.”

Oh… for goodness sake, I’ll admit it.. most of the stuff said on the site were very ego-feeding stuff.. so.. haha.. who wouldn’t like their results? haha…

Apparently my personality mix is projected to stand at 2.5% of the whole human population. Interesting, explains why I find it hard to find people with the same wavelength…

I do wish my music score was higher though.. sigh.. oh well.. train away! I’m off to deflate my ego. Gosh.

AND OH! OH! OH! OH! APPARENTLY JANE AUSTEN HAS THE SAME PERSONALITY!! WHOAH!! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE ROCKS!! XD

Oh boy.. so does Arnold Schwarzenegger…. and Donald Rumsfeld… hmmm… … Oooo, wait… so does C. S. LEWIS!!! WOW!!! hahaha!! score!! NAR-NAR-NAR-NAR-NIA!!!

You can take the test here: http://www.mypersonality.info/

p.s. I am consciously taking a “sabbatical” from blogging. I suppose it’s good to know when to rest and be inspired to write fresh stuff instead of rambling on in the same fashion. The sabbatical ends this month, hopefully.