Ya. I am. Hehe. Albeit a bit confused though. Life’s been tough. I want a beautiful life. Perhaps my idea of a beautiful life is misconstrued. Maybe it isn’t about things going right all or even most of the time. Maybe it’s just the fact that God will graciously and mercifully walk you through it.

These few months, feels like some sort of full circle experiences extravaganza. Memories on sale with up to 90% off normal retail price! (I think I’m starting to blog like when I first started… (another hint of the full-circle thing)…) I think God’s trying to ask me to want things. To have a little spice and passion in my life. Something about me. Cause I’ve forced me out of myself. It isn’t easy, and I am still quite blur about what I really want in life. Am I wanting something just because I used to, or am I wanting it because that’s what God put in my heart?

No holy-smoly-phariseely-very-silly kind of answer. “What makes you come alive?” “What excites you?” Two seemingly shallow questions in this ever materialistic and hedonistic world. Yet if answered in total sincerity and truth, the impact of its answer will determine whether I am alive.

What happens when someone says, “Cheng Yee, you think too much.. life isn’t that complicated…” The fake me will respond, “Ya… sorry.. will try to change…” or “I can’t help it..” Fact is, this is me. I have the capacity to analyse and over analyse and I am not sorry for it. On top of that, I can help it. I can change. But why try to please everyone only to end up being a stranger to yourself?

So we reach a point, where one word is prevailant: BALANCE. So easy to spell, so easy to explain, yet it is the ever elusive creature that hides in shades of grey. There is no set formula. All there is available is God’s wisdom and my faith of a mustard seed. I’ve yet to move mountains… so… don’t think I’ve a faith of a mustard seed.

I think I’ve digressed greatly. Thing is I will honestly tell you now that, “I DO NOT TRUST GOD COMPLETELY NOW.” I understand that this statement may cause quite a stir. But honestly, I don’t, but I want to. Too many things have happened in my life that seem to say:

“Ya… try all you want… but it’s still in God’s hand…”

It may sound profound and comforting, but what if God’s not on your side? What if you’ve got stuff in your life that He was to weed out and may use things that are close to your heart to break you? I think the solution here is simple. Know Him enough to know what He thinks about everything in my life. However, He has remained silent. Or am I deaf to His voice?

I am waiting for this season to pass. It is one of the most painful and tormenting seasons. But God’s mercies are new everyday. I hope, against all hope for that day when I can truly be me and love and be loved for who I am. Honestly, I’m tired of chasing. I’m tired of loving and not being loved back. It’s nothing to do with selfishness, it’s just not healthy. I truly love because that’s who I am, that’s what I know God loves to do and because you are you. But I am not love, and I am finite. In order that I love myself, God and you more. I have to.. erm… be loved too. Completes the circuit and keeps the bulb lit.

I’m taking 23 credit hours this semester, which translates to 9 subjects. I’m literally drowning in assignments. But God has warned about this semester… that I maybe doing so much that I seem to be neglecting my studies. Seem, not actually neglecting. It’s a warning I will heed. (someone said I was crazy to do this)

I probably am crazy doing this. But what’s important to me is the hope that maybe tonight, I can actually sleep and rest; maybe tomorrow when I wake up, that I’ll trust God a little more.