Insanity is a state of mental chaos when one is beside himself. I’ve realised that my most honest prayers are when I’m caught up in over-powering thoughts. My best and scariest prayers instead, are said when I am sane.
I really want people to understand. But God does. But He doesn’t respond instantly. Sometimes even if He does, it’ll be too subtle for me to realise. I’m alright being misunderstood. Now that I know that God is not afraid of people’s perception of Him. But I’m not alright being loveless. Loveless and loneliness is different. As you can see.. this is a typical emo insanity section. All I’m doing is waiting…
Waiting for the Lord, when He comes, I will mount on eagle’s wings and fly above the storms of life. Then for a brief moment in my already temporal life, I will have a bit of sanity. Perhaps a morsel of peace.
Miss everyone back in Kluang!! Also miss those who are elsewhere too!
“A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;”
~ Ecclesiastes 3:3
I still remember the question that was put to me by one of my close friends : “When then is the time for rebuilding?”
Truth is, I’m reluctant to be restored. Afraid that the cycle of build and destroy will repeat itself. Rebuilding doesn’t mean instant restoration. The foundations have to be put in.
Think of the heart as a construction area, the previous building has been blust to pieces, the remaining rubbles have been moved away and then they dig into the entire area to remove the previous foundation. That is the breaking process. Now when they want to start building, they’ll lay the foundation by first hammering thick long steel rods into the ground, followed by layers of concrete and the process isn’t as fast as the breaking. Because now they have to build everything floor by floor. If one floor doesn’t meet the design requirements, it is redone. Because if this is ignored, no matter how strong the foundation is, the building will crumble because of that one flaw.
So, before my heart can be healed and restored, I’ll have go through the pain of laying a sturdy foundation as described above. And the following steps will be painstaking and long. Israel had the same problem too. It was easy to come out of Egypt. With all the miracles and signs, having faith to believe in God was easy. But when it came to entering the Promised Land, this land was occupied by others and they were expected without any military assistance or expertise to conquer the land. This was no lucky draw give away, they felt like sheep being led to slaughter in a foreign land.
I had enough faith to be broken. But as I face the land I am destined to conquer, I hear the reports of the ten spies (my heart and mind) claiming impossibility and yet among their loud objections, I hear anothe two spies (the Holy Spirit) telling me that it is ready for the taking. Lord, how in the world is this going to be possible???
” ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ Says the LORD of hosts.”
An Extremist is a person who goes to the extreme. But what about people who practice moderation? Aren’t they EXTREMELY focus on not being extreme?
A Terrorist is a person who terrorises people. But parents punish their kids and instil fear for their sake? Aren’t they not TERRORISING people?
Yes, I am exercising Fundamentalism here were as a lot of people would argue against it. The only reason being that it blows a simple problem up by making it too complex and reveals our reluctance to address the real issues in life.
“Whether you hate or love, bless or curse, you are an extremist. For the simple fact that when you are doing nothing, you still are, doing something.”
You may be an extremist who advocates a mediocre life. Or you may be an extremist who advocates that every person must have a boyfriend/girlfriend before she/he is normal. Or, you may be an extremist who advocates laziness because you just can’t be bothered about being extreme.
We are all extremist. We don’t have a choice. But we do have a choice as to what we want to advocate. So next time you hear reports of extremists’ activities, ask yourself:
First few kilometres of my life has been a breeze, but now, as all runners do, I have hit “the Wall“. When we ask ourselves, “should I stop running or keep going?” The next question is always, “Can I go on?” and “Do I want to go on?” Which are both the wrong things to ask. We will never know the answer to whether we can unless we try, and we all know that the reason why we ask ourselves whether or not to continue is because we want to stop.
The better question to ask is, “Why am I running?” Once we straighten that out, we should, just, RUN. And RUN. And RUN.
This is when the race really begins:
“When we are to far in the race to give up and the finishing line is too far for us to want to continue.”
Personally, I do worry a lot. Particularly about my future. And now, I feel as if my spiritual life has come full circle. Now it has returned to this question:
“Do I believe in God, my Provider?”
Crap happens. And it happened to me. It was my fault, it was other people’s fault and it was also sometimes just nobody’s fault. All these may not important. But my future is.
“Faith is so simple, it’s difficult to explain and even harder to do.”
Not only do I have to believe that God holds my future in His hands, I have to let go of my life and put it in to His hands.
As “modern” people, we use spreadsheets, graphs, performance key indicators and various other formulas to gauge our life. These are but feeble attempts to gain control of our future. You and I may not be desperate enough to do all that, but there’s one tool we all use: Worry. Here’s a brief description of worry:
“Worry is a kind of work we do to comfort ourselves in a situation that is out of our control where we believe that neither us, God or anyone else can help us. It is a form of denial of the fact that we have no power, it tires us out but makes us feel as if we have done something to help ourselves when actually we have not.”
~ Cheng Yee
